


Staring at the Abyss

by ryryryker



Series: Local moon cat tries to contain evil lalafell and au ra, more at 10 [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Bigotry & Prejudice, Multiple Warriors of Light, Other, Zhai'a has some issues to work through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 06:06:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18805261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryryryker/pseuds/ryryryker
Summary: Sometimes he found the prejudice against black magic rising up in the back of his mind. Hurtful words sting the edges of his tongue and he bites his fangs into his tongue.





	Staring at the Abyss

**Author's Note:**

  * For [haetae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haetae/gifts).



> I love Zhai'a and I like how he grows from 'gross black magic is evil' to 'i want us to work together' but there had to be some hiccups in the road with his thought process and I wanted to write abou
> 
> Also, this is a gift fic for haetae! Congrats on not dying during finals, here are some cute moments with Masaki, Koko, and Zhai'a.

Sometimes he found the prejudice against black magic rising up in the back of his mind. Hurtful words sting the edges of his tongue and he bites his fangs into his tongue.

It wasn’t going to be an instantaneous change, he knew that - but he hated how it was so easy to go back to bad habits. He knew how awful it was - Gridana knew its fair share of prejudice and had he not been a hearer, he probably would have experienced the brunt of it. Hell, he  _ had  _ experienced the brunt of it, at some point in his life. When he was young and had nothing to his name, not a title to protect him or his younger siblings. How he had forgotten his humble beginnings while trying so hard to become the kind of person those of Gridana would accept-

Which it why he hated how he sometimes looked at Masaki, at Koko, and felt a pang of anger - of fear. For it was as if they were the abyss itself, so full of dark magic and endless potential, and such a combination was absolutely terrifying. Instead of showing fear he tried to do as he always did, and remain stubbornly defiant until his last breath - but when he thought twice about his words he didn’t dare let them escape. 

How pathetic could he be? Thinking such things about those who he considered friends?

He could just blame it on having seen both of the mages in action. For they could do things with the dark arts that he didn’t think possible. Even if Lalai was supposed to be the teacher, it was obvious who had the upper hand in terms of raw magical power. It was inspiring and imposing. 

But he also saw them at their weakest, their current positions being one of them. Koko had fallen asleep against Masaki a book in her lap and her hat covering her face. The other didn’t dare move as Koko barely seemed to get sleep outside of  _ reading  _ herself into a comatose state. Masaki stayed still, seeming to doze off himself. The only thing seeming to stop him was his long purple locks that kept falling in front of his face. His braid must have become undone at some point during the day. 

“Having trouble?” Zhai’a said softly, careful not to wake the female au ra as he took a few steps around her to reach Masaki’s side. “I can redo it for you.”

Masaki stared at him with a raised eyebrow. The man was a mage of few words, but Zhai’a had started to pick up on his silent movements. “Don’t look at me like that. I know how to braid hair. I have a little sister, you know.” Masaki continued to stare at him, but this time out of shock it seemed. Oh, right, he had never actually mentioned his family in front of them, had he? Zhai’a shook his head and sat down next to Masaki regardless. “Just hold still, will you? We wouldn’t want her waking up.” 

Masaki nodded and gave him silent permission to do as he pleased. Zhai’a carefully reached over, undoing the last of what left of the other’s braid so he could pull all of Masaki’s hair over to the side. It was surprisingly even - he had expected it to be chopped up in different layers. He had noticed Koko’s hair was a little uneven and stuck out at certain spots - which might be why she started fastening most of it under her hat, but that was neither here nor there. His fingers slide through Masaki’s hair with only little resistance. There was a knot here on there but it wasn’t anything that would hinder the process - Masaki seemed to even relax at the action.

How could he be so scared of these two, seeing them like this? 

He tried to push away the thought as he began to braid the mage’s hair the best he could. It was a little lopsided, as Masaki was leaning against a wall and very well couldn’t turn to make things easier or risk waking up the second coming of Shantotto herself. 

“There, all done.” Zhai’a said after a few moments, tying the braid off and letting his hands fall into his lap. Masaki’s fingers played with the ends of his braid for a moment before Zhai’a heard a muffled thanks. “You’re welcome.” Instead of getting back to his feet, he shifts and sits where he had previously been kneeling. Not even a few seconds after did Masaki’s head fall onto his shoulder. A shudder runs down Zhai’a’s spine before he dismisses it. He knew Masaki was going to fall asleep the second he got a chance so why was he surprised? It must have been awkward, though, considering the height difference. 

He glances as best he could at the two Au Ra and gives a shake of his head. Honestly, after seeing them like this, how could he possibly be scared of them? Of black magic?

“Apologies for taking so---” Zhai’a turns his head at the voice to see Lalai returning finally with a stack of books in her arms that went almost as high as her hat did. No wonder it took her so long, how did she manage to get here carrying all of that? “Long.” She finished with a small huff.

“I would assist you, but I value my life,” Zhai’a said softly with a chuckle. Lalai rolled her eyes and went to go place the books down before stepping up in front of him.

“I would never have imagined such a sight when I first had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting you.” Lalai giggled softly herself, and Zhai’a huffed. “Don’t look at me so, you know it’s true.”

“As much as I hate to admit you’re right,” Zhai’a sighed, looking at Masaki. Realizing he had missed a lock of hair and it had now fallen over the other’s face, Zhai’a silently moves it behind a horn before continuing, “I was just thinking the same thing.” There’s a pause of silence, Zhai’a’s hand hovers where he had moved Masaki’s hair and only when Masaki seemed to grunt in his sleep did the miqo’te finally pull his hand back. As if he had been burned, quickly and harshly, almost moving back entirely before realizing he was the only thing possibly keeping the two Au Ra upright now.

Sighing, he looks back towards Lalai. “Can I ask you something?”

 “You’ve never asked for permission before.” Lalai raised an eyebrow, “Why start now?”

“Right.” Zhai’a mumbled and shook his head. “Tell me honestly…..have I improved at all?” His gaze shifted away from Lalai’s confused expression and towards Masaki and Koko. “In how I act, I mean. I’ll be honest, I’m rather embarrassed to recall how I had dismissed you all as agents of destruction. How I had taken every moment to lecture you when it was I who truly didn’t understand. There are moments….” He hated admitting it aloud, to Lalai of all people. But better her than one of the ones sleeping. “..moments I almost fall back into those ways. That I’m scared to death of all of you, that I want to say something completely out of bounds. I had thought all of it was behind me and I could fully accept you and yours - type of magic be damned.”

“....I think your thoughts are getting to be too big for your small brain.”

“Lalai! I’m being s---” He turned his head back towards her, a glare in his eyes but as he did so she’s hitting him on top of the head with one of her books. Lightly, of course, but he still lets a small ‘ouch’ escape him as his ears pinned back against his head and his tail swished back and forth angrily. “What was that for?” He grumbled as she finally lifted the book.

“You’re practically a different person from when we first met. Still as insufferable as ever, mind.” She put the book under her arm as she spoke. “But we aren’t without fault either. I’m sure it took a lot for those two to trust you.” Lalai and he both looked at the sleeping mages. “Why else would they be like this now?”

“That’s….”

“Did you notice what book Koko was reading by chance?” Lalai goes over to put her own book down before daring to get close to Koko. Carefully she pulls Koko’s hands off of it before bringing the book to Zhai’a. He takes it carefully, reading over the cover.

“This is a book about white magic.” He blinked in surprise, adjusting his glasses as he read the title again.

“Koko could have cared less about white magic before our  _ lovely  _ time together.” The black mage said with a wave of her hand. “But now she’s dedicated to learning all she can about it, and like the scholar she is, she’ll exhaust herself reading a mountain of books on the subject before she even approaches you for the practical stuff.”

“You think she will?”

“Maybe not to practice it but for learning purposes. Who better to learn from than a hearer? Well, maybe a padjal but you won’t see her talking to them.”

“She’s practically on a first name basis with the Elder Seedseer---”

“That doesn’t mean they’re friends,”  Lalai said matter-of-factly. “You on the other hand, are her friend.” Zhai’a is stunned for a moment. He knew what the weight of those words were. “If I had to guess, Masaki considers you a friend as well.”

“...You really think so?” He mumbled, clutching the book to his chest tightly.

“We didn’t expect you to practically change overnight, Zhai’a. Nor did you expect us to, I’m sure.”

“Yes, but  _ I’m  _ the main offender here.” Zhai’a sighed. “I just….don’t want to step back into those habits.”

Lalai puts her hands on her hips. “You could always ask Koko to set your hair on fire if you say something she doesn’t like.” Zhai’a’s ears twitched as Lalai chuckled at her joke. “Zhai’a, you have looked further into the abyss than any white magic practitioner I’ve ever met.” Her voice is suddenly low, serious, and Zhai’a found himself drawn in. “Even compared to that fugitive conjurer we had to defeat. You have learned so much and yet you haven’t either been corrupted or turned tail.” Her eyes closed as she spoke, but Zhai’a continued to stare. “Yes, old habits die hard, and I’m not daft enough not to have noticed moments where you hold back - we all have. But it’s the fact that you do hold back and are actively working to change your ways that makes us respect you more.” Her eyes opened again and she gave him a, admittedly kind of weak, glare. “You won’t catch me saying that again so do commit it to memory.”

“Right.” He said with a weak smile.

“Besides, these are the famed warriors of light,” Lalai giggled as she looked back towards her sleeping charges. “Despite how they look now, they’re powerful. Even I wonder what destruction they’re capable of from time to time. They slay primals as if they were just mere _pests_. Your fear is not unfounded.”

Zhai’a looked back towards them as well, and once again it felt as if he was staring into the abyss itself. But after the mention of them being warriors of light, his eyes softened somewhat. They were from the darkest abyss imaginable - yet they did strangely shine with some kind of light. He had always noticed it, but during their first few encounters, he had elected to ignore it. It had to have been some kind of trick, he remembered thinking at some point. Because how could darkness and light mix together in such a way? It had and still does, baffle him that such people exist.

Just another reason he respected  _ them _ , maybe another reason he felt fear of them.

When he seems movement, Masaki’s weight against him is the only thing that stops him from jumping slightly.

Koko pulls herself off of Masaki and gives a yawn, “Where’s my book?” Is the first thing out of her mouth.

“Over here,” Zhai’a said, passing it across the au ra between them, Koko adjusted her hat before taking it. “If you had wanted to know about white magic I could have assisted you.” He said with a smile. 

“It’s fine.”

“I could suggest other tomes for you to read, then?” Zhai’a offered, and that seemed to catch Koko’s interest. “I have a couple of similar volumes back at the Stillglade fade, I could bring them to you.”

“...I suppose that would be fine.”

Masaki shifted in between them, and soon he’s also pulling himself up with a yawn. “Well, that wasn’t long. Are you sure you don’t need more rest, Masaki?” Zhai’a asked with a tilt of his head. The Au Ra waved a hand.

“ ‘m f’n.” He mumbled. 

“If you’re both finally done sleeping on the job.” Both their backs seem to straighten as Lalai spoke. “We have some work to do!” 

The two scramble to their feet, and Zhai’a is quick to follow them - though his legs betray him and seem to have fallen asleep as well in the few minutes he had been sitting. He stumbled for a moment but Masaki held out his hand for Zhai’a to grab onto - and without thinking, he had done just that.

He stares for a moment. He doesn’t remember the last time he wasn’t hyper-aware of their movements, to avoid them or at least be cautious. No...he was comfortable now, to the point that Masaki offering his hand hadn’t been a strange or dangerous gesture at all. The thought made him smile. “Thank you Masaki, I’m fine now.” He said, letting go of the Au Ra so he could continue his lesson.

Zhai’a watched the three black mages as their backs turned to him and they spoke on their magic (or rather Koko and Lalai did with an occasional grunt or short reply from Masaki). He’ll admit, he felt lighter now. Maybe because he had admitted all of his insecurities to Lalai. Maybe it was hearing that while they knew he had his moments, that him trying made them happy. 

He places a hand over his chest and sighed softly.

“Might I offer a suggestion?” Zhai’a piped in and stepped up to the mages.

Even if he stared at them and saw the abyss, at some point maybe fear would become a comfort. Nothing was instantaneous, but maybe one day….

Maybe one day he would stare into the abyss and smile.


End file.
